Daily: Saturday 30th July

30 July, 2011 at 00:02 (GMT+01:00)

By Stuart Taylor

Well, here we are at Hungary again - one of F1's most boring tracks. If only there was some kind of breaking news or controversy happening that could alleviate the impending dullness.

Oh, well.

This Week In F1

  • Jake Humphrey Saves Babies: Rumours are circulating that Jake Humphrey saved the lives of five babies, while in Budapest. Reports suggest that five cots rolled down a wide street and into the road during rush hour. Jake heroically leapt into traffic, darting between lorries and scooters to rescue the tots and pull them back to safety. Jake only suffered minor scrapes and doctors say his taut, masculine abs will not be scarred.
  • BBC awarded all the medals: After much deliberation, it has been decided that the BBC should be awarded all the medals for being so great. These include Olympic medals, especially the bronze men's table tennis award, the Australian Bravery Medal and the Alexander Agassiz Medal for contribution to the science of oceanography. The BBC have graciously accepted the awards and thanked their F1 coverage for boosting their overall excellence.
  • Coulthard to wear his 'tightest whites': In an effort to scupper the new Sky deal, David Coulthard has declared he will wear his tightest white jeans this weekend, to remind viewers what they will be missing if they follow on Sky. Within minutes of his announcement, a raft of sponsors lined up to stitch their logo to his flies. After being reminded of the BBC rules regarding advertisement, the sponsors quickly ran off to Sky Sports.

This Time Last Year

  • EJ Wow the Fans: F1 pundit extraordinaire, Eddie Jordan amazed his dedicated followers by stringing together the longest run-on sentence ever spoken on national television. Without stopping for breath, Jordan began by asking Jake if it was sensible to return to old tracks like the Nurburgring, strafed into a recall of Massa's accident, sidetracked into an anecdote about he ran an F1 team, u-turned into the power of the British motorsports industry, powered on into news about next year's Pirelli tyres and finally ended with a rhetorical question regarding Ayrton Senna's shoes.
  • Fans 'leaving red button on': The BBC have revealed that their data shows that many people are leaving their TVs stuck on the BBC red button after the F1 Forum. 'I don't want to accidentally miss another second of their excellent coverage,' said F1 fan, Bernard Ecclestone, 'so I just make sure my TV is always focussed on the red button.' When asked why ITV never build red button features into their F1 show, they replied, 'the what button?'

This Time Next Year

  • Britain 100% behind Louie Hamblesack: Despite an initial worry that F1's move to Sky would leave UK audiences leaving in droves and becoming indifferent to the sport, a recent street survey has confirmed that the public are still big fans of Louie Hamblesack. 'I love Louie,' said Matthew Armstrong of Newport, 'I wish him all the best, and Jason Beetroot, and the whole MacIntyre team! Go Britain, woo!'Not all Britons are Lewis fans, though, with 10% '[hoping] Alfonso Fernandes wins the tournament' and 5% they've heard nothing but good things about 'that one-armed driver, Stanley Kubrick'.

  • The Sun, Times to Encrypt Sports News: News International papers, The Sun and The Times are to encrypt their F1 coverage in the back pages of their publications. This is a move to stop fans from finding out the race results without watching Sky's exclusive coverage. The sports columns will be printed in multi-layers of colour that will look abstract and jibberish to the naked eye; Sky Sports subscribers will be sent special glasses that filter out the gibberish and reveal the news inside. Bernie Ecclestone and Rupert Murdoch published a joint press release, the first half of which was just the word "HA!" printed over and over again.

  • Eddie Jordan found in a box off Charing Cross Road: Eddie Jordan, who until last night had been missing, presumed dead, has been found at last. An old race fan found the Irishman curled up in a box muttering to himself. 'He kept saying, "as you alluded to there, Jake. As you alluded to...' said a witness, 'He looked like a broken man.' Upon a through police investigation, a further twist was revealed when the box turned out to be David Coulthard.


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